omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
