PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize