Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
