Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
