I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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