If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
