Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
