So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
