Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
