friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you inspire me to be a worse person
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
