People in love make me want to vomit
I am midnight drunk by noon
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you had me at cake vodka
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
