no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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