I wish I could punch you in the face.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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