meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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