I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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