i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
