So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
