It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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