im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Randomize
