He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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