So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
