would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
