She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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