I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
