I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
