I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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