i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
