she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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