Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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