I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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