Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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