u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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