this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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