Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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