I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize