cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
