connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
