She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
