My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
