if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
