i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
