In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
