Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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