I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
