She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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