Plan B is the new Plan A
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
