You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
