you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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