Christians are straight up FREAKS
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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