We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
