If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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