'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
