she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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