I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
