I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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