I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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