I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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