words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
