Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
