a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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