dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
