How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
