he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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