My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize