I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
