Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I FOUND THE LEGS
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
