i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize