Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
