There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
