this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize