if you like me you must not know who I am
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize