i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
